Project Tagline
by east-side-stories
Summary: LoomerXNed! Billy's mom is going away for a week, so he has to stay at Ned's house. Ned's friends and Jerry team up and...what will happen? ON HIATUS
1. Oh Please Tell Me You're Lying

**Prologue: **

_**Oh Please Tell Me You're Lying**_

Ned's life ended that fateful summer day when his mother talked on the phone. He didn't know it at the time, but he found out soon enough about the biggest disaster since....well, since forever. There hadn't ever been something as ground-shaking as what his mother told him when she hung up.

What did she tell him, you ask? Well, she informed him that Billy Loomer would be staying with them for a week while his mother went on a trip.


	2. Okay, So If You're Not Lying

**Chapter One: **

_**Okay, So If You're Not Lying, Tell Me You're Joking**_

**Ned's POV**

I must admit, it came as a shock....more than anything else in my life to date, probably. See, my school survival guide had nothing about dealing with worst enemies and week-long sleepover fests. Honestly, how could I have predicted this? I don't think I was ever warned, because if I was I might have thought about it, and written some tips.

Maybe I should write tips, right here, right now.

No, that won't work. I always have to go through the situation before I write tips, so they won't help me unless there's a 'next time'. But this kind of thing never happens, so there won't ever be a next time.

Plus, having sleepovers with your enemies have nothing to do with school. Should I make a Home Survival Guide?

Okay that would be pushing it. That's definitely not necessary. I can deal with this without writing tips for others, because heaven knows it's just my luck for it to happen to me. Things like this would never happen to Moze or someone. Ever. Nope, just me.

And Loomer I suppose. I forgot about him, I wonder what he feels about all this? I hope he isn't mad and hoping to beat on me to get over his issues.

Maybe, as a safety precaution, I should put up posters of ghosts and stuff in my room. He's still afraid of those, right?

Sighing, I trudged out my door and toward Moze's house. It was summer, so I could escape my house freely and come back late. I could avoid my mother, because she probably was going to be one-track-minded all day about arrangements for Loomer. She figured we were the best of friends.

Yeah. Right.

But mothers are just like that, you know? And I never had the heart to tell her that Loomer was my worst enemy. Had I just taken the plunge and upset her with that news, I may have spared my current situation/impending doom.

It's hard being a momma's boy, because this is what you get; sleepovers with your worst enemy.

And I'm sorry if I keep repeating that, but I'm not quite registering it yet. I suppose I think if I tell myself over and over, it'll be real.

Sleepovers with arch-nemesis.

Nope, hasn't sunken in yet...

**Moze POV**

I must admit I was pretty surprised to find Ned at my doorstep, looking utterly hopeless and lost. And scared, for some reason. He seemed to be in a sort of daze, so I snapped my fingers, "Ned, you okay?" I asked.

No response.

"Ned?" I tried again. Still nothing. Giving up, I stepped aside to let him in my house. He seemed to notice that and stepped forward, but in his daze he simply ran into the doorframe. I wondered how he rang my doorbell in the first place.

I led him into my living room and sat on the chair across from him, waiting for Ned to initiate conversation. He didn't.

"So...what's up?" I asked.

He looked at me, and actually locked eyes. A flash of despair crossed his face, and then he spoke in monotone, not breaking eye contact, "Loomer's mom is going on a trip and he's going to stay at my house for a week."

Oh. Oh wow. His hopeless attitude made much more sense now.

"Oh. That....really sucks." I stated. Still, I guess in the back of my mind I was thinking, 'better Ned's house than mine'. Yeah, I guess I'm a bad friend when it comes to Billy Loomer. But honestly, the kid freaks me out. And he still likes me, after all these years. Creepy, huh?

I wouldn't even want to imagine Loomer staying at my.....oh....yeah I'm not even going to finish that sentence. Let's move on.

"So what are you going to do?" I asked hesitantly.

"I don't know, but I've got to think of something. Any Ideas?"

"Not any good ones," I admitted.

"Well then say the bad ideas. We can...build off of them. Hand me a piece of paper and I'll jot them down," Ned said eagerly, pulling a pen from his pocket. I handed him the nearest piece of paper and watched him test the pen on it.

"Well....we could get Jerry to keep him at his place for a week. I don't know how to get a hold of him, but Loomer would," I suggested.

"Chances are, if he resorted to me, Jerry wasn't able to house him. Still, I'll write it down. Anything else?"

I considered, "Well, we could blackmail him and force him to be nice to you." That was one of my bad ideas.

"But that doesn't get him out of my house," Ned argued, but wrote it down regardless. He was slightly desperate.

Okay, he was probably very desperate, another reason why I was glad not to be in his position.

I thought again, trying to come up with an idea we could actually use that would work. I didn't come up with anything.

So we sat there, the two of us, in my living room, for the next two hours, writing down everything and anything that came into our minds. Most of the ideas were ridiculous, and by the end we'd forgotten the purpose of our brainstorming--we just ended up throwing around ridiculous ideas and laughing at them.

Still, Loomer was supposed to go to Ned's the day after tomorrow, and although we had no plan, we'd surely think of one before Loomer showed up at Ned's. Right?

Okay, personally I thought/knew it was hopeless. It was very unlikely that we could come up with anything that would work on such short notice. Still, Ned usually came up with something. I just had to count on him to get himself through.

And for some reason, that wasn't as reassuring as it always was. When Ned was so scared/stressed/panicky, he didn't come up with very good ideas. And chances were that he wouldn't be relaxed again until Loomer was out of his house in a week or so. Probably.

That, or Loomer would have scarred him for life somehow and Ned might never be the same.

And when that thought struck, I got scared. What if Ned became friends with Loomer, and then decided to be his best friend instead of mine? I wouldn't want to chance that happening.

And suddenly, I was taking Ned's situation more seriously.


	3. Fine, So You're Telling The Truth

**Chapter Two: **

_**Fine, So You're Telling The Truth. Kill Me Now? **_

**Jerry's POV**

"Well, you know dude, I don't think this is a good idea. Are you sure?" I asked with concern.

Billy rolled his eyes, something he'd been doing a lot lately, "Jerry, what other chance will I get? The kid's totally afraid of me to begin with, so the only way to get to him is to force us together. It's the perfect situation."

He had this notion that staying in Ned's house for a week would make Bigby fall in love with him. I knew that was completely unreasonable and dumb, but we all know Loomer's mental capacity...

Okay, okay. I shouldn't be insulting my friend. I don't take that back—Loomer isn't the smartest—but I shouldn't comment on that fact. Who knows, maybe there is something going on in that brain of his.

Still, he really pulled a 180 sometime last year. First, he was all obsessed with Moze, and then suddenly he liked Ned. Since then, I can't seem to get through to him that Ned doesn't want him. Billy thinks that secretly, Bigby digs him. I think he's crazy.

But, I guess we'll see if I'm right. I kinda hope I get proved wrong though—just to see what happens. Either way, the next week should prove to be incredibly interesting, and I can't wait to hear all about it.

Man, there should be a TV show dedicated to this next week. I'd film it myself, but chances are nothing would happen if there was a camera in their faces.

Then again, I could get Cookie to wire up Ned's house to do some surveillance... Cookie was always nice to me once I joined the sewing club, I could get him to do that...

And then, I had my evening planned out for me. I would be placing a very important call to Cookie...

"I SAID, 'It's the perfect situation'" Billy reasserted, looking at me expectantly.

"Oh, right," I mumbled, "Indeed, I agree." It wasn't a total lie.

Well, not really.

**Ned's POV**

Sitting in Moze's basement, we had our ideas on post-it notes, stuck up on the wall to admire. As we knocked off the bad ones, I crumpled them up and tossed them at the garbage can. I mostly missed, but sometimes I got them in on the first try.

"Okay, so that leaves the bribe/blackmail him to be nice to you; the 'Ask if Jerry can take him' thing; Cutting off Loomer's limbs so he can't get to your house; and the 'Make Billy get a new girlfriend so he's never home' thing." Moze summed up the last four post-its.

I sighed, "Cutting off his limbs isn't a good idea, is it?" I asked.

"No, no it's not. Why is it in the top four?" Moze asked.

"Wishful thinking," I explained, pulling the note off the wall and tossing it to the garbage.

Miss. Big surprise.

"You know, I never knew you were so bad at aiming, Ned," Moze commented, watching me for my reaction.

I gave her a look, "I'm no Seth Powers, but I'm not that bad," I argued.

She shrugged and we both turned back to the wall, looking at the three ideas. Not one of them would really keep Loomer out of my house, except the Jerry thing. That was basically a lost cause though. Still, it was worth a shot...

"Well, I think Loomer's actually gonna stay at your house, Ned," Moze said with a shrug of finality.

And as much as I wanted to fight that idea, to tell her she was wrong—I couldn't. I knew she was right. Loomer was going to stay at my house for a week, and that was that. I could try to sweeten the deal a bit, but the fact stood that I couldn't truly get rid of him.

With a sigh of resignation, I slumped onto her couch, "Okay, so we call Cookie? He'd have Jerry's number, and from there we can call Jerry and try to talk him into having Loomer over..." I trailed off.

Moze nodded, taking a seat in a reclining chair that rocked. She plucked the cordless phone off of the stand on the table beside her and dialled Cookie's number, waiting for a few rings before talking to Cookie's mother.

I sat there watching, praying that Cookie had Jerry's number.

"Hey Cookie," Moze greeted, "We need Jerry's number. Do you have it?" she paused, listening, "Oh, really? What about? ...Okay, okay. Tell me later then. So... Well, okay. Sweet! Thanks!" she hung up then dialled another number and held the phone back up to her ear.

"What??" I whispered. I wanted to know what Cookie said; what was he going to tell Moze later?

Moze waved me off, talking to the person on the phone, "Hey, is Jerry there? Oh, it's Moze. ...Yeah, that Moze." How many Mozes could he possibly know? "Okay, can you put him on the phone for a minute? ...Why not? ...Okay... Alright... Yeah, I think I... Oh, okay. Why didn't you say so sooner?" she laughed, "Yeah, thanks!" then she hung up.

"Well??" I was dying of curiosity, shifting around in my chair uncomfortably, "What happened?"

"I talked to Billy on the phone," Moze answered.

"Billy....Loomer?" I guessed.

She nodded, then continued, "Anyway, Jerry isn't an option—he's going out of town for a few days and his parents won't let Billy stay there even if they were going to be home."

I snapped my fingers, frowning in defeat. Next were two options I didn't want to need to use; bribing or blackmailing Loomer to be nice to me, and/or getting him a girlfriend so that he wasn't ever around. Both were difficult. First: who would possibly go out with Loomer? Suzy was done with him, and so was Missy.

"Hey, Moze, have you ever thought about g-"

"No."

"But I didn't even fini-"

"No, Ned. No."

I growled, flopping back into the couch hopelessly. There were no girls to date Loomer, even temporarily. Even Moze wouldn't do it.

Not that I blamed her or anything, because I really didn't. I couldn't imagine dating Loomer, even if it was to help Moze. That was an uncrossable line.

I smacked myself on the forehead, "What am I supposed to do?" I whined frantically. This was my last free day, then Loomer would move in tomorrow. There was nothing I could even do about it, that was the scary thing.

So, should I resign to my fate?

Oh please, when do I ever surrender peacefully? If I go, it'll be kicking and screaming.

Just bring it, Loomer. Bring it on.


	4. Or Perhaps I'm Dreaming

**Chapter Three: **

_**Or Perhaps I'm Dreaming**_

**Cookie's POV**

It had been quite a long time since I'd really done any technical work on a large scale. Wiring up a house was right up my alley, and I was happy to help. So what if it would be invading one of my best friend's privacy? I'd make sure to leave the bathrooms free of bugs and cameras.

But, everywhere else was free game, and I intended to get every inch of his house on camera (except the bathrooms, as previously stated).

Jerry was at my house that evening, helping me with the planning. He said that Billy was at home getting ready and packing (and probably practising his nice-guy look—and failing epicly). But what Billy was doing was none of my business (yet), so I didn't pay that much attention.

I spread out Ned's house blueprint on my kitchen table so that we could take a better look and plan out every camera and angle. Jerry wasn't that good with technical stuff, but he was good with concealing and placing cameras (It surprised me, but pleased me greatly).

Working with him was especially easy, and soon we were done. All we had to do was wire Ned's house, but we couldn't do it just the two of us. Still, we didn't want to get anyone else involved, so I ended up getting Moze to agree to help. The following morning, we'd make Ned and Billy go for a walk or something, and we'd wire the house.

Then, every day after that, the three of us could watch what was going on in our rooms every night with our TVs. It was such a daring task, I was getting quite excited just sitting there. I wanted to fast-forward time and start the project (which we named 'Project Tagline'. We still aren't quite sure why we named it this, but it was fitting somehow).

I rolled up the blueprint and stuffed it into my bag with the bugs and cameras. The following day would be extreme to the max, and I was sure I'd get next to no sleep until the first phase of our mission was complete.

**Ned's POV**

Sitting up in bed, I couldn't sleep. Knowing that Loomer would be IN MY ROOM, sleeping ON MY FLOOR, on MY AIR MATRESS was enough to keep me from getting any rest. Honestly, if you knew that the following night, your worst enemy was to be sleeping meters away from you, you'd get no sleep too. It's not natural to get a good sleep when such a bad thing is approaching. It's like sleeping knowing that there's a twister on its way and there's nothing you can do about it.

Not to say I was out of denial, because that's not true either. I still haven't quite come to terms with the situation on-hand. When I see Loomer tomorrow, I'm sure that's when the dream will fade and reality will veer it's ugly head. Still, that's one more reason not to sleep. I don't want to wake up, so if I don't sleep...

Okay, I'm getting ridiculous. Seeing Loomer isn't going to be the worst ever. Let's look at the upsides of having a week-long sleepover with my worst enemy. Here, I'll even make a list of good things.

I won't be alone. I don't really like to be alone that much, so even if he's bad company, he's still company.

I won't have to wonder where he is or if he's going to be around the next corner. I'll KNOW he's around the corner, and therefore the suspense will be gone. But not the dread.

...okay, there has to be THREE good things. Good things come in threes.

Darn, so if there's only two things that are good, no good thing is coming. It has to be three good things if it's good!!

Or wait. Maybe I'm just not thinking hard enough. Maybe there's another good thing I'm just not thinking of at the moment...

No, I think that's it. This is Loomer we're talking about; how many good things can there possibly be about having his company?

Two, that's how many.


End file.
